North Carolina to Pensions: YOLO into Ethereum
The Crypto Cowboys Just Moved into the Statehouse
Raleigh just took a big swing — and no, it’s not baseball season. On Wednesday, the North Carolina House approved a bill letting the state treasurer invest up to 5% of public funds in cryptocurrencies and digital assets. That includes the $129 billion state pension fund that supports our firefighters, teachers, and police officers — or as we’ll now call them, “Web3 stakeholders.”
The “North Carolina Digital Assets Investment Act” sounds like something a 23-year-old Bitcoin bro pitched in a WeWork, but it’s very real — sponsored by 27 Republicans and passed with just enough fanfare to make Satoshi Nakamoto blush. If signed into law, it would let the state treasury dabble in everything from Bitcoin to “probably not a scam this time” coin.
The plan also calls for the State Bureau of Investigation to explore how seized crypto assets could fund a state-run digital reserve. That’s right — we’re now counting on criminal crypto to subsidize public services. Somewhere, a former NFT influencer is nodding solemnly.
Even spicier? The bill nudges the idea of a retirement program that lets state employees opt into crypto-based portfolios. Because nothing says long-term stability like a digital currency that loses 30% value during lunch.
No one’s mentioned the risks out loud — probably because the words “collapsed exchange” and “public pension” don’t play well in the same sentence. But don’t worry, legislators are sure this will work better than Dogecoin at a gas station.
And while Wall Street may still be lukewarm on Bitcoin, Raleigh is apparently bullish enough to take grandma’s retirement for a spin on the blockchain.
Hold onto your pension, North Carolina. Or maybe your private key.
☕ Yours in caffeine and chaos,
Nell “HODL the Creamer” Thomas
Senior writer at The Charlotte Mercury and resident crypto-skeptic at Strolling Ballantyne. I once lost $40 in Ethereum trying to buy a GIF of a cat. Don’t @ me.
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Stay sharp, Ballantyne. The blockchain is watching.
